Avoiding Workplace Drama: 4 Steps To Being An Ally, Not A Rescuer, Victim Or Persecutor

A YouGov poll from 2015 revealed that nearly a third of people have experienced bullying at work. Most of us have at least some experience of a toxic workplace environment; there is the stereotypical power hungry supervisor who talks down to people, but also the team member who takes credit without doing the work or never helps out and the colleague who likes to spread gossip. Sometimes toxicity further disadvantages employees with protected conditions or borders into prejudice and discrimination. Many of us powerless, as though there is nothing we can do to make a change, and some of us are compelled to wade in when we see injustice and try to right the wrongs.

According to a 2018 Deloitte survey 63% of millennials would consider quitting if their employer did not prioritise diversity and inclusion. It is wonderful that we live in much more socially conscious times, and many people are trying to live by their values and act as an ally to people from marginalized groups. The benefits of being an “ally” are well-documented in equality research but there is a way to get it right, and a way to make it worse, which I will explain.

Karpman’s Drama Triangle model shows us the key roles that people tend to play when relationships have become dysfunctional. At the bottom of the inverted triangle is always a victim, someone who perceives themselves to be helpless, powerless and unable to solve their own problems. At the two other points of the triangle we have a persecutor (Someone who is critical, authoritarian and possibly controlling), and a rescuer who feels that it is their job to save the “victim.”

It is important to state that the Drama Triangle does not refer to a situation in which someone has been genuinely victimised, it refers to a situation in which people have assumed a role in their mind.

1. Recognize Your Own Role

The rescuer role may seem altruistic to some, but in a dysfunctional dynamic it usually creates a dependency that feeds the rescuers’ ego whilst keeping the victim from becoming empowered and able to solve their own problems. A well-meaning rescuer can actually prevent change and keeps the triangle stuck.

So how do you break out of rescuing and become a true ally? The answer is simple, yet it requires increased self-awareness and some changes in behavior. Stage one is to move from rescuer to coach. A coach must first accept the fact that “rescuing” was self-serving because it made them feel good, and acknowledge the controlling aspect of their actions. By acknowledging the negatives we can let them go and move on. Next you must learn to ask others what they want and need, and truly listen to their answer. By listening while they talk you give them the space to figure out the problem for themselves, and by not jumping in with the solution or taking the problem on yourself they will have the time to decide how best to move forward for themselves.

2. Understand The Role Of Historical Drama Patterns

Throughout life we all play the different characters on the Drama Triangle, and in healthy situations we move on, calm down and let things go. The only real problem comes when we get stuck on the triangle, this can be common in the workplace when the power balances align with relationship problems we have had in the past, maybe from family or friends. My coaches see this every day, in a wide variety of situations. People are trapped feeling helpless at work because in their view their boss is a persecutor and their supervisor puts themselves in the middle, preventing them from addressing the situation directly. Another common scenario is someone who is burnt out and stressed because they feel they must rescue their team members from too much work. Perhaps you feel aggrieved and upset about a problem at work that no one seems to be fixing.

Since Neurodiverse traits can be hard for Neurotypical people to understand and vice versa it is not surprising that we often find ourselves in these strained workplace relationships. Here is some typical examples that I have seen. Autistic and ADHD people may be perceived as persecutors due to a direct communication style, or they may feel like a victim to someone who misunderstands them. Dyslexic and Dyspraxic people might be perceived as “not trying” or in need of someone to “do it for them.” Neurominorities tend to have very strong empathy which can lead to assuming a rescuer role if the proper boundaries are not there. Because these patterns have perpetuated through schooling and general social exclusion, neurominorities can experience drama more intensely and it can trigger memories of genuine harassment or ostracism.

3. Tools For A Calmer Triangle

The best way to prevent toxic relationships developing is to use a “clean” style of communication where the assumptions are held back while more information is gathered. I have discussed clean feedback in a previous blog but this bears repeating, it is highly important to filter out implicit bias and inference at work when communicating. To do so the use of cleaner language is invaluable.

As an ally, you can open with a question such as “what would you like to have happen?” Those who are stuck in “victim” will find this hard to answer, but stay with it. They will often tell you what they want other people to do at this point. My advice is to keep going with the question until they find something that is within their control–even if it is as basic as “I want to find a new job.” For the record, 95% of my company’s coaching clients stay with their employer, but for the 5% that do not, this is very often the conversation that leads to a positive transition.

When listening to people who seem to be persecuting ask, “what did you see or hear that lets you know? Do you have an example?” This will help bring people back to the evidence, away from their inferences that might be creating criticism, and towards understanding the problem. If they can calmly present their critique with an idea of how to solve it, they will stop appearing negative and are more likely to be heard.

4. Go In With The Benefit Of The Doubt

Harvard Business Review have collected data across all industries, sectors, and geographies in order to discover what makes some teams high performing and others failures. Their research showed that “the single most important factor in team success or failure is the quality of relationships on the team.” They concluded that “one toxic team member is all it takes to destroy a high performing team.” I like this sentiment but I am struggling with the language of that last sentence. In order to make it work best, your first job is to hold back your own judgement and approach with the assumption that no one person in the drama is toxic. The moment you have decided whose fault it is, you are on the drama triangle yourself. There are very few genuine saboteurs, most toxicity comes from misunderstandings or situations that have stopped working and need a restructure.

My team spend a lot of time teaching this process to managers struggling to release the potential of neurodivergent employees who might appear to them as toxic, or who are suffering at the hands of some subtle toxicity that they cannot pin down or articulate. I have yet to meet anyone who came to work with the express intention of upsetting others. Though it is probable that such people exist in small numbers, on the balance of probabilities our role as leaders remains giving employees the benefit of the doubt long enough to get beneath the assumptions. A generous approach will pay dividends in terms of resolving the issue and, most importantly, will role model the behaviours you are seeking in others.